Sometimes I just feel this overwhelming need to write…
To write about what I love, what I am passionate about, and what I desire most out of this life.
The past few weeks at home & work have been this…
BLAH.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Survival mode at it’s finest.
And for the past few nights, after I kiss my babies to sleep, I have stayed awake in bed for hours.
Wondering and dreaming.
And my 6 year old little boy has taken center stage in my mind all week long.
Not sure why, but I need to write.
About him.
He scares me. He scares the heck out of me.
Questions blur my mind, one right after another.
What kind of mischievous trouble will he get into tomorrow at school?
What pretty little girl will he have his eye on next week?
How many times will I send him to his room for being too rough with his brother?
When will he learn to treat his sister like a princess?
How many times will he burst out in roaring laughter while I am trying to discipline him?
Why won’t he stop throwing balls in the house?
Why does he have to irritate the heck out of me with the world’s most annoying noises?
Over and over and over again.
Every.single.day.
Then my mind hauls itself into the highest gear…speeding so fast I can’t make sense of anything…
What if I don’t raise him right?
What if he forgets his manners on his first date?
What if he blows off his education & chooses a different path?
What if he moves so far away that I never see him anymore?
What if he forgets how much his family loves him?
Faster, faster, faster…I think this is called anxiety…
And I felt the full weight of it this week.
And then, my mind abruptly came to a stop, just last night.
Or should I say, the Holy Spirit calmed my soul?
Indeed.
He gave my little heart rest.
And it felt wonderful!
As my heart lifted, I was filled with all of the loving memories my little man has given me.
Little beautiful memories like…
The way my heart melts when I stare into his big brown eyes.
The way he will so lovingly share his last piece of chocolate with me when nobody else will.
The way he sings his little heart out when his favorite song comes on…
And how he will air guitar his way into a massive head bonk that requires me to pull over and kiss the top of his head.
The way he says that he misses his kindergarten teacher as he’s falling asleep on the way home from a long trip.
The way his heart reaches out to those in need…
Asking for money to buy the little boy down the street a treat from the ice cream truck.
Or reminding me to load the bags of clothing in the car to give away to others that need them more.
Or remembering to bring all of his coins to church for offering.
And my favorite memory of all…
The one that has been kept alive every single night since 2013…
Our bedtime song.
It’s just ours.
Mine & his.
Nobody else shares this time with us.
We sing in the dark, after our prayers, and so softly that it’s hardly audible to anyone else.
God gave me you Camden…
And I feel on top of the world right now as I think about how I am so incredibly blessed to be his mother.
In the midst of all of life’s chaos, Camden’s love sometimes just pulls my heart right back into place.
The place of great joy.
And perfect peace.
Romans 15:13
Now, I feel so much better.
