Category Archives: Personal

Crippling Fear


I hate being crippled.

Crippled by unimaginable fear.

The kind of fear that creeps into every tiny crevice of my troubled heart.

The fear that overwhelms my mind and sucks the breath right out of my chest.

The fear that just haunts me at night, while my children sleep so peacefully.

It collapses my soul, because I just can’t fathom the horror.

Leaves me wondering…

When?

It’s bound to happen, right?

It’s only a matter of time, right?

I can do everything in my power to keep my family safe.

I can be more cautious & less trusting.

I can purchase fancier forms of security for my home.

I can teach my children a wealth of knowledge about how unsafe this world is.

I can pray, pray, pray.

But it doesn’t matter.

All of those things can help, but only to an extent.

Even the prayer.

Whatever is going to happen, will happen.

So, how do I deal with these disturbing fears?

How do WE deal with these fears?

We certainly do not want to live in fear.

I don’t have an answer worth anything.

I wish I did.

I would like to say…

Keep your head up, Stacey.

All things work together for good.

Perfect love drives out fear.

Trust that God will lead.

Stay positive, it won’t always be this way.

And while I find myself saying those things ALL the time…

And while I do honestly know those things to be true…

I still feel defeated.

Fear still overwhelms me.

But hey, I found a bright side!

It’s not super bright, but it’s better than nothing.

And it’s all I got.

It’s C.S. Lewis.

Big fan over here, I wish I actually knew this guy!

I heard this quote on the radio this morning, and it was so comforting.

My little heart absorbed every last word, as I was lulled by the laughter of my children in the backseat.

(No need to mention that that same laughter was quickly annihilated by my daughter when she commented on my son’s hair that morning…yes, we’ll leave that part out!)

In his essay “On Living in an Atomic Age” C.S. Lewis wrote about how horrible things WILL happen.

To all of us.

While he is specifically talking about atomic bombs, we can actually just fill in the blank to suit whatever horrific tragedy comes our way.

“This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things – praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts – not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.”

Let that bomb (or gun, or car accident, or natural disaster, etc.) find us doing sensible things!

I will pray.

I will laugh with my kids.

I will go into public where bad things happen.

I will stay up late at night when bad things happen.

I will keep LIVING & LOVING when bad things happen.

Because they will happen.

I am still afraid.

I don’t know if that will ever go away.

Like I said at the beginning, fear is crippling.

But please God, don’t allow this fear to strangle my heart & keep me from loving what You have given me.

Every good and perfect gift is from above…James 1:17 

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Little man, little memories


Sometimes I just feel this overwhelming need to write…

To write about what I love, what I am passionate about, and what I desire most out of this life.

The past few weeks at home & work have been this…

BLAH.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Survival mode at it’s finest.

And for the past few nights, after I kiss my babies to sleep, I have stayed awake in bed for hours.

Wondering and dreaming.

And my 6 year old little boy has taken center stage in my mind all week long.

Not sure why, but I need to write.

About him.

He scares me. He scares the heck out of me.

Questions blur my mind, one right after another.

What kind of mischievous trouble will he get into tomorrow at school?

What pretty little girl will he have his eye on next week?

How many times will I send him to his room for being too rough with his brother?

When will he learn to treat his sister like a princess?

How many times will he burst out in roaring laughter while I am trying to discipline him?

Why won’t he stop throwing balls in the house?

Why does he have to irritate the heck out of me with the world’s most annoying noises?

Over and over and over again.

Every.single.day.

Then my mind hauls itself into the highest gear…speeding so fast I can’t make sense of anything…

What if I don’t raise him right?

What if he forgets his manners on his first date?

What if he blows off his education & chooses a different path?

What if he moves so far away that I never see him anymore?

What if he forgets how much his family loves him?

Faster, faster, faster…I think this is called anxiety…

And I felt the full weight of it this week.

And then, my mind abruptly came to a stop, just last night.

Or should I say, the Holy Spirit calmed my soul?

Indeed.

He gave my little heart rest.

And it felt wonderful!

As my heart lifted, I was filled with all of the loving memories my little man has given me.

Little beautiful memories like…

The way my heart melts when I stare into his big brown eyes.

The way he will so lovingly share his last piece of chocolate with me when nobody else will.

The way he sings his little heart out when his favorite song comes on…

And how he will air guitar his way into a massive head bonk that requires me to pull over and kiss the top of his head.

The way he says that he misses his kindergarten teacher as he’s falling asleep on the way home from a long trip.

The way his heart reaches out to those in need…

Asking for money to buy the little boy down the street a treat from the ice cream truck.

Or reminding me to load the bags of clothing in the car to give away to others that need them more.

Or remembering to bring all of his coins to church for offering.

And my favorite memory of all…

The one that has been kept alive every single night since 2013…

Our bedtime song.

It’s just ours.

Mine & his.

Nobody else shares this time with us.

We sing in the dark, after our prayers, and so softly that it’s hardly audible to anyone else.

God gave me you Camden…

And I feel on top of the world right now as I think about how I am so incredibly blessed to be his mother.

In the midst of all of life’s chaos, Camden’s love sometimes just pulls my heart right back into place.

The place of great joy.

And perfect peace.

Romans 15:13

Now, I feel so much better.

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Her 8th birthday


My oldest daughter turns 8 today.

Just like all moms say…

Time sure has flown by!

Last night before falling asleep, I spent some time reflecting.

Reflecting on the time I have had with my little girl.

Remembering the day she was born.

Sweet flashbacks to the days when I cradled her in my arms.

Of course, those memories are all so bittersweet.

Having a daughter is probably one of life’s biggest blessings.

And one of life’s biggest challenges.

And it’s even more so, when this little girl has become something so different than what I imagined her to be.

In a good way.

Let me explain.

I remember rocking her to sleep, closing my eyes, and looking down the road of the future.

Imagining what she would be as she grew older.

I saw all things pink, high heels & frilly dresses, and dolls, dolls, dolls.

How could I not think that life with a daughter would be like this?

My entire childhood was wrapped in those things, and had a pretty pink bow stuck right on top.

A sparkly pink bow.

So that’s what I did.

She wore pink.

And only pink.

My mom bought her her first Barbie when she was one week old.

Hundreds more followed.

We learned every word to all of the Disney princess songs.

And I loved that her favorite was Ariel.

She owned Cabbage Patch Dolls.

And I kept their adoption papers in a special place.

I put my grandmother’s dolls on a shelf her room to inspire her.

I just KNEW that one day, I’d have a doll-loving girl to go shopping with.

I bought her dress-up shoes & dresses.

And then it started to happen.

She was about 4 years old.

Her dress-up clothes began to collect dust.

She started using my cute scarves as dog leashes…on her brothers!

She played dress-up…but on her brothers!

I guess in a way, she had a doll obsession…

Her brothers just happened to become the dolls.

She started to blindside me in subtle ways over the next few years.

I thought I had taught her what every good mommy ought to…

How to pick out the fanciest Barbie on the shelf.

But I cringed when she began walking PAST the Barbie aisle and choosing things like…

farting slime.

Really?

I also swore I’d never call her Mac because it just wasn’t classy.

Hmmm…

I love how God thinks differently than us.

And I love how He blesses us with exactly what we need.

Like my neon colored, crazy fashioned, arm pit farting daughter.

This little girl has challenged me to think outside the box.

I like to stay inside my perfectly square…square.

It’s safe in there.

She has caused me to raise an eyebrow more times than I should.

She has opened my eyes to a world full of color and creativity that I never knew I possessed.

I am absolutely in LOVE with her passion for all things music, writing, drawing, & reading.

She gets that from me…YES!

Well, except for the drawing.

You should see my stick figures!

She is a true lover of the arts.

And her hobbies include ONLY those things.

Heaven forbid she picks up a ball or wears athletic shoes.

She probably gets that from me too!

She amazes me every time she picks up a pencil and paper.

Thoughts are always better on paper.

We have hundreds of post-it notes written to each other back and forth.

Reminds me of the notes my mom used to write.

We have dance parties.

Reminds me of days with my mom and sis.

I’m just not brave enough…yet…to videotape it!

We google lyrics to songs.

And then sing at the top of our lungs on the way home from school every day.

Just like I used to do with my dad.

I am still frilly & pink.

Always will be, I’m afraid.

But God is teaching me, one crazy outfit at a time, that life is better when we are who God made us to be.

She rarely lets me braid her beautiful blonde hair…

I just want it straight mom!

Okay…Mac…straight & scraggly…but it’s your hair.

But she will never miss a chance to cuddle up on my lap and let me stroke that same scraggly hair until she falls asleep.

She flat-out refuses to wear cute jeans and insists on wearing the same pair of ratty leggings over and over again…

But in a heartbeat, she’ll haul off some of her nicest clothes because she knows another little girl may need them more.

She laughs obnoxiously loud.

But will also sit in silence with me some nights and marvel at the wonderful works of God.

And then she’ll ask a million questions about it.

She’ll spend hours trying to draw a horse from a YouTube tutorial and then get so frustrated because it’s not perfect.

She’ll crumble it up and toss it in the trash.

But then, she’ll spend the same amount of time writing a thank you note to a friend.

Complete with cute little flowers & glittery ink.

She’ll stomp so hard when she doesn’t get her way.

So hard, I worry the upstairs floor might cave in.

But then, every once in a while

She will so graciously give up her desires to please her brothers.

She’ll ask me the same questions over & over about who God is and what He’s doing, almost as if she doesn’t believe.

But then, her prayers at night, reflecting her heart so honestly…

Tell me otherwise.

God has a plan…

A plan for my sweet & spunky daughter.

And a plan for her mother.

Oh, the ways in which he carries out His plan!

“Whatever you do, Mackenzy, do it well.”

Ecclesiastes 9:10

Happy Birthday Mac!

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Miller Allen…Las Vegas, NV


All week long I have been contemplating what I would write for this post.

I have made a gazillion mental notes and wrote down a million rough drafts.

But none of them, not one…have truly captivated my feelings for this day.

So now, with all previous thoughts & notes set aside…I will attempt to just simply speak from my heart.

My little Miller…

My sweet, sweet boy.

My Milly-butt.

My little chunkster.

My love.

Your third birthday is finally here.

I’ve actually been dreading this day for a while now.

Dreading the fact that you are no longer an infant…or even a toddler, really.

I remember wanting to be in such a hurry for your brother and sister to grow up.

I could not wait until we were past the diapers, the sippy cups,the messes, and the throw-yourself-on-the-ground kind of tantrums.

But now…I’d give ANYTHING to have all of that back with them.

Because I missed it all, and selfishly let it pass all too quickly.

Thankfully, I learned.

I learned to not only experience every moment with you, but to savor it and engrave it in my heart.

Which is why your infant hood is so precious to me.

I loved every minute I spent with you.

I still love every minute with you.

I love our cuddle time…the times when your squishy little body snuggles into mine.

I love the conversations we have, and the times you make me laugh because you ask the same questions a million times.

I love when you hold my hand when I don’t ask you to.

I love when you tell me that I’m pretty at the exact moment that I feel my ugliest.

I love when you scream like a girl because your sister took your toy, and then I get to rescue you & wipe your tears.

I love hearing you sing about Jesus.

I love that you bite your toenails…okay so not really, but I do always want to remember this!

I love that every time you watch “Fresh Beat Band” you get out your guitar and jam along.

I love that you always ask for coffee creamer to be added to your milk.

I love that your dad has to bribe you with broccoli and green beans to eat the rest of your dinner.

I love that you live and breathe baseball, and ask me to pitch the ball to you at 6am.

I love that you skip around the house and say “woo-hoo” when you get excited.

I love that you can write your name already, and add 6 arms on your “E” instead of 3.

I love that you used to be jealous when I would hold a baby, but now…you are a baby hog.

And now I’m jealous because someone else is loving on MY BABY.

I love that you scream at me when I tell you that you are my baby, just because you want to be called a big boy.

I love your big heart, your sweet smile, and you sure do give the BEST hugs!

I could go one forever about every little thing that I love.

Because I just love you so much.

The truth is, I am sad that this time has passed…

BUT

I can face today knowing that every single year that passes, I will love you more and more.

I love that God gave me such an enormous capacity to love you and your siblings.

I never imagined the depth it could bring.

And I am so thankful that God chose me to be your mommy.

He must love me a lot!

I pray that you will know how much you are loved.

I pray that you will always take the love that you are given and share it with everyone you meet!

I love you Miller Allen…

My sweet Miller,

Happy 3rd Birthday!

Love, Mommy





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1,000 FANS GIVE-AWAY!


Good afternoon!

In celebration of reaching 1,000 fans on my Facebook page, I am giving away a FREE family photo session to one lucky winner!

I just want to stress again how appreciative I am for all of your support through out my journey as a photographer.

What started out as a hobby has turned into the most amazing career for me and my family.

I love what I do and I love who I get to do it with…

ALL OF YOU!

I am so grateful to God and all of my family & friends for where I am today.

You all are the best, and as a “thank you”, you get to see me on video!

Haha, this is me…

I’m dorky, and nervous as ever…so bear with me!

Congrats to the winner, and I really hope to do this again sometime soon!

God Bless!

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