Crippling Fear

I hate being crippled.

Crippled by unimaginable fear.

The kind of fear that creeps into every tiny crevice of my troubled heart.

The fear that overwhelms my mind and sucks the breath right out of my chest.

The fear that just haunts me at night, while my children sleep so peacefully.

It collapses my soul, because I just can’t fathom the horror.

Leaves me wondering…

When?

It’s bound to happen, right?

It’s only a matter of time, right?

I can do everything in my power to keep my family safe.

I can be more cautious & less trusting.

I can purchase fancier forms of security for my home.

I can teach my children a wealth of knowledge about how unsafe this world is.

I can pray, pray, pray.

But it doesn’t matter.

All of those things can help, but only to an extent.

Even the prayer.

Whatever is going to happen, will happen.

So, how do I deal with these disturbing fears?

How do WE deal with these fears?

We certainly do not want to live in fear.

I don’t have an answer worth anything.

I wish I did.

I would like to say…

Keep your head up, Stacey.

All things work together for good.

Perfect love drives out fear.

Trust that God will lead.

Stay positive, it won’t always be this way.

And while I find myself saying those things ALL the time…

And while I do honestly know those things to be true…

I still feel defeated.

Fear still overwhelms me.

But hey, I found a bright side!

It’s not super bright, but it’s better than nothing.

And it’s all I got.

It’s C.S. Lewis.

Big fan over here, I wish I actually knew this guy!

I heard this quote on the radio this morning, and it was so comforting.

My little heart absorbed every last word, as I was lulled by the laughter of my children in the backseat.

(No need to mention that that same laughter was quickly annihilated by my daughter when she commented on my son’s hair that morning…yes, we’ll leave that part out!)

In his essay “On Living in an Atomic Age” C.S. Lewis wrote about how horrible things WILL happen.

To all of us.

While he is specifically talking about atomic bombs, we can actually just fill in the blank to suit whatever horrific tragedy comes our way.

“This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things – praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts – not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.”

Let that bomb (or gun, or car accident, or natural disaster, etc.) find us doing sensible things!

I will pray.

I will laugh with my kids.

I will go into public where bad things happen.

I will stay up late at night when bad things happen.

I will keep LIVING & LOVING when bad things happen.

Because they will happen.

I am still afraid.

I don’t know if that will ever go away.

Like I said at the beginning, fear is crippling.

But please God, don’t allow this fear to strangle my heart & keep me from loving what You have given me.

Every good and perfect gift is from above…James 1:17